Sometimes there just aren’t words deep enough to express your sadness.
I promised you in my last post that I would update you on my mom and her health issues.
Today she had surgery. There was hinting around at the possibility of cancer, but even the oncologist on her case hadn’t seen proof of anything serious in her test results.
Until today. The results of a CT scan done Wednesday showed fluid build up and a tumor on her liver. We knew those results as she was taken off to surgery, and four hours later the worst was confirmed. Stage four ovarian cancer that had spread all throughout her abdomen.
Tonight she is in ICU sedated until tomorrow when they will do a second surgery to make sure the tumor on her liver (which cannot be removed) has stopped bleeding.
I’m so thankful for the hundreds of prayers sent up on our family’s behalf today. I’m positive we are being held in God’s arms as our whole world has been turned upside down. All day long, He has been whispering his promises into my soul.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deut. 31:8
“God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.” Psalm 46:1-3
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10
“Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:7
“Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 16:5-8
God’s words: Don’t be afraid. Don’t be discouraged. I love you. I love your mom. I have a plan for this. Trust me.
The words from a story written by CS Lewis keep running through my mind tonight too. It’s a part of a story called “The Magician’s Nephew”. If you haven’t read it, it’s about a little boy named Digory who inadvertently ends up in a magical world called Narnia. He leaves behind an very ill mother in the real world. In the world of Narnia there is a powerful lion named Aslan who, in this book, creates Narnia by singing it into existence. This Aslan character is representative of God in these stories, and Digory recognizes immediately that this Lion can do incredible things. Aslan wants Digory to help with an important mission to save Narnia from evil but before Digory leaves he decides that he has to ask the Lion for help:
“I asked, are you ready?” said the Lion. “Yes,” said Digory. He had for a second some wild idea of saying “I’ll try to help you if you’ll promise to help my Mother,” but he realized in time that the Lion was not at all the sort of person one could make bargains with. But when he had said “Yes,” he thought of his Mother, and he thought of the great hopes he had had, and how they were all dying away, and a lump came in his throat and tears in his eyes and he blurted out: “But please, please-won’t you-can’t you give me something that will cure my Mother?” Up till then he had been looking at the Lion’s great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself. – The Magician’s Nephew by C.S. Lewis
There is something wonderful in knowing that God loves my mother even more than we do. That the tears we have shed today are shed by Him as well as He watches us navigate this broken world in which words like “cancer” still exist.
I sing a lot as I drive, and I remember last January as I drove the last few miles into Rough Rock I sang:
My Jesus I love thee, I know thou art mine.
To thee all the follies of sin I resign.
My blessed Redeemer, my Savior art thou,
If ever I needed you- my Jesus tis now.
I remember tearing up as I faced the unknown of that moment. So unsure of what God had before me and so afraid.
So tonight, I again pray these words~ If ever I needed you- my Jesus tis now.